What love is
by Himlafrost
Summary: This story is written from Emma's perspective, from her mind and body.
1. Chapter 1

I'm sitting in the sofa, watching her watch a movie. I've found myself in this situation so many times the last weeks, watching her do the small things you do every day; make coffee, use the computer, work out… And no matter how often or how closely I watch her, she never ceases to amaze me. Every day I notice something new about her, something I can't believe I haven't seen before. She's so beautiful, I love the way her long blonde hair falls down on her shoulders, and when she looks at me with those golden brown eyes I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like she can see right through me. Every time I see her I get an overwhelming feeling that I can't define or describe. She looks over at me and smiles. God, that smile makes my heart melt, and I realize that I'm smiling back at her. That's the kind of power she has over me; I can't control myself around her, I'm not aware of my actions, because I'm mesmerized. Sometimes I think she's cast some sort of spell over me, because I just can't get her image out of my head, even when she's not physically close to me I can see her face before my eyes, and all I want is to scream out my feelings for her. I want her to know how I feel, and I want her to feel the same way.

"What are you thinking about?"

Her voice is echoing in my head, and it takes me a couple of seconds to understand what she said. I force myself to focus and form an answer. "Why the sky is blue and the grass is green. And why chocolate is so much more delicious than broccoli."

She looks surprised, but laughs. God, that laugh is like music to my ears, and I would do anything to hear it over and over again. What is it that she's doing to me, and how can she have this power over me? She turns her attention to the TV again, and I shake my head, trying to get rid of the images passing before my eyes. Of course I know I won't succeed even before I try, these images have been passing before my eyes for weeks now. I think Adam has already realized how I feel about her; he's been giving me hints about it the last days. Or maybe I'm just reading too much in to his words.

"So what did you think of the movie?"

Her voice brings me back to the present, but I don't understand what she means. When I look around I see that the movie has ended, and she wants my opinion on it. "Um, it was okay." I feel my cheeks turn red, and look away, hoping she won't notice. But as I face her again she's looking straight at me, and there's something in her eyes I haven't seen before. It feels like she can see into me, like she's the one with the psionic powers and not me. "Emma…" she whispers.

My name escapes her lips so easily, and still it seems like it was so hard for her to get it out. I don't recognize the tone in her voice, it's nothing like I've ever heard before, and it gives me goose bumps.

She moves closer to me and put her hand on mine. I can't feel any part of my body, except for the hand she's touching. It's like my body shuts down everything except that part. She moves even closer, and I can now feel her breath on my face, she's only millimeters away from me. I watch her closely, see her lick her lips, and then close her mouth. Slowly she leans towards me, and after what feels like an eternity her lips reaches mine, and our lips meet for the first time. I close my eyes, and it feels like I'm flying, and before I can think I feel her tongue in my mouth. Slowly I meet her tongue, chasing it into her mouth, licking her bottom lip on the way. The kiss is ever so soft; I've never felt anything like it before in my life. Then it suddenly ends, and as soon as our lips have parted I miss her. I want more of her, I want her to touch me all over, and even more, I want to touch her.

She pulls back and looks at me, and I catch her gaze. I can't read her expression, and I can't read her emotions, because I myself am going through so many of them at the moment. All I know is that I want to be with her, and all I wish for is to touch her. I see my own hand on her cheek, unaware of the fact that I have lifted it from the couch. I lean forward to kiss her again, expecting her to pull back, but instead she leans forward to meet my mouth, and we share a passionate kiss. I try to pour all of my emotions into her, through one single kiss. I want her to know how much I want this, and how much I've longed for this. We start to eat hungrily of each other, it's like she's some sort of liquid that I just can't get enough of, and I drink and drink of her. We part again, both of us breathing heavily. She takes my hand and stand up, motioning for me to follow her. And so I do, how could I not?


	2. Chapter 2

I'm watching her, as she sleeps in my arms. Her eyes are closed, and her breathing rhythmical, and I find myself wondering if somehow I could save this moment, not as only a memory, or as a picture. If I could save this moment as something we can pull out and relive when things get rough. I hope so, and I wish for it. This is where I belong, and want to be; this is my private Utopia.

Everything went by so fast yesterday, and at the same time it's all a blur, I remember every move, every touch, every kiss, and every breath. And then we got to the point where I wasn't sure where I ended and she started, a point where we melted in to one, and that was all that mattered; us was all that mattered.

Yesterday was beautiful, so beautiful it almost hurt, because I didn't know when, or even If ever, something could be as beautiful. Then I feel Shalimar snuggle in to my neck as she whimpers a little in her sleep, and I realize that every moment I spend with her will be as beautiful, or even more so, because I will be with the woman I love.

"You still awake?"

She lifts her head and looks me in the eyes, sending that familiar jolt through my chest. She kisses me, and I lose the ability to talk, all I can do is smile at her. I can't remember anyone who ever had this affect on me, the way she smiles at me, it makes my heart skip a beat. And when she kisses me the world stops spinning for a while, like time stops, and the only people who exists in the world are us. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I never thought I could hold this much love for someone.

"What are you thinking about?"

Again her voice echoes in my mind, but this time I can actually form an answer. "You. And my love for you." I answer. I watch her, see that she's content with the answer, because she smiles and tightens her grip around me. If I could stay like this forever I would, I've never felt this safe before, and I've never felt this loved before.

We fall asleep like that, close together in a tight embrace, and when I wake up the next morning I keep my eyes closed for just a few seconds, just in case it will all have been a dream. And as I open my eyes and realize that she's not there my heart sinks. It all felt so real, was it just an illusion? I roll over on my back and cover my face with my hands, then I hear a knock on the door and Shalimar enters my room.

"Good morning." She smiles at me and sets a tray on the nightstand. "I've made you coffee."

She sits down on my bed and I put my arms around my waist, pulling her down to a lying position. I kiss her, tasting her sweetness, and the feeling of her lips against mine lifts my heart. I feel like I'm flying when I get to be close to her.

"Your...Coffe's...getting...cold..." She mumbles between kisses, but I don't care, all that matters right now is that I get to be next to her, that I get to feel her, and taste her.

I wouldn't change this moment for anything in the world, I thought I lived before, but really, before I kissed her for the first time I had no idea what living is. It feels as if I've been dead, and now she's breathing oxygen in to me, she's breathing life in to me. I realize that I was nothing before I met her, I was asleep, I was an empty shell, only able to feel the emotions of others, and now I'm finally awake, feeling the most important thing in the world.

"I love you." The words escape my lips so easily, and I could say them over and over again. Love. That word can't possibly hold all the emotions I have in me, the feelings I have for this woman. It's seems meaningless in this situation, but it's the best I can come up with.

"I love you." She says for the first time, and I lose my breath. I can't move, and I can't speak, this is all I've ever wished for; someone who loves me for who, and what, I am. And no one can understand me better than this wonderful woman sitting before me.

Then suddenly there's a knock on the door and Brennan enters the room…


	3. Chapter 3

_AN; Thanks to all who reads, and especially comments, this story. I'm doing my best to update it as regularly and often as possible, but as I'm both working and studying at the moment it's really hard to find the time to sit down and concentrate on the fic. I hope you can be patient with me. And thanks again._

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My insides turn cold; Shalimar forgot to lock the door. It's like time's standing still, everything comes to a stop. I can hear my heart beat, hard and fast, and I'm surprised no one else seems to hear it. I rack my brain, trying to find something to say, something that can explain the situation, but I realize that there's nothing I can say. I was kissing her, touching her, and he saw it. Then I realize that Shalimar's standing up beside the bed, and I wonder at what point we stopped touching. 

There's a look in Brennan's eyes that I can't really interpret. No one seems to be able to speak, and I don't know how much time that's passing by, seconds, minutes or hours? We're just there in that moment and I wish I could turn back time, to earlier this morning, so I could remind Shal to lock the door.

"Brennan…" I hear Shalimar's voice, it's cutting through the silence, and I admire her for actually being able to speak.

"What the…?" He says. Then turn his back on us and leave.

I'm watching Shalimar, seemingly unknowing what to do and what to say. Then she turns to me, and she speaks, her words seem to be a million light years a way, and all I hear is an echo.

"I have to go and talk to him. I just. He deserves that."

And before I can say anything she leaves the room. I should feel hurt, my heart should be aching, but it's not. Instead I'm filled with something that can't be described as anything but emptiness. My mind's still racing, but I feel nothing. I think this is the first time ever I've felt nothing, and I don't like it. I should run after her, I should ask her what's going on, what did the comment about Brennan deserving it mean? So many thoughts are rushing through my mind, and I can't seem to get them to stop.

I get out of bed and put some clothes on; I need to clear my head, I need to get away, only for a little while. I leave the sanctuary and go to my special spot, the place I usually got to when I want to be alone. I just sit there, trying to process everything that has happened these last hours. I've made love to Shalimar, and she's made love to me. Something I never thought would happen. I wished for it, and I dreamed that it would happen. But this particular scenario was nowhere in my mind. And it's killing me. I love her, I love her so much it hurts sometimes.

"Hey, there you are."

I turn around and am surprised to see Shalimar standing there. The sunlight's stroking her body, and she's squinting, smiling insecurely. Just seeing her makes my heart skip a beat, and it melts my inside. I can see the contours of her muscles under the white shirt she's wearing.

"Look, I'm sorry I left you like that." She's speaking fast, "I just had to talk to him. I had to explain."

She puts her hand on my shoulder, and all I can think about is that I want her to touch more of me; all of me.

"He was in shock Emma, he didn't understand what he saw. The things is… I think Brennan has a crush on me."

I flinch at those last words, not sure how to react, or what to say.

"But I told him that I love you. And you love me."

She smiles at me, and I melt. There's no other way to describe it, when she smiles at me, there's nothing else in the world, it's just me, and her, and that smile. She could get me to do anything just by smiling at me; I'd probably even jump of a cliff if she told me to do so and just smiled at me.

She leans down and kisses me, and I pull her down into my lap.

"So I'm forgiven?" she laughs.

I answer by kissing her again, and I once again I find myself wondering how I can possibly love someone this much. How is it possible to hold this much love for one single person?

"Shalimar?" Adam's voice is coming from her comlink.

"Yeah?" Shalimar lifts her hand and speaks into it, while she's watching me.

"Can I see you and Emma in the lab?"


	4. Chapter 4

_AN; Thank you for reading and reviewing this story. I'm doing my best to update it regularly, but as I've said before, it's really hard to find the time to, since life as an adult is apparantly very stressfull. Oh, and I know some of the grammar might be... well, not good, just bear with me people, I'm still learning, English isn't my mother tongue. Thanks again for reading._

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I look at Shalimar, and she looks at me, neither one of us seems to know what to say. Once again my mind's racing. Adam knows, I'm so sure he knows. I knew loving Shalimar was complicated, and even though I know she loves me too, it just seems as if our relationship will only cause trouble. It feels like we're jumping over obstacle after obstacle, and I wonder when the hard part will go away. When will this emotional rollercoaster stop?

Shalimar rise and take my hand, pulling me up to my feet. "Let's get it over with." She says and we go into the lab.

Adam looks upset, and as soon as the door is closed behind us he starts to speak.

"What are you two thinking about?" He asks.

Neither Shalimar nor I know what to answer.

"Do you know how vulnerable this makes the team?" He's pacing back and forth, watching us.

"How does a relationship between me and Emma make the team vulnerable?" Shalimar asks.

Adam comes to a halt. "Imagine if Emma's out on a mission and gets caught by someone and she's in danger, how do you feel? How would those feelings make you act?"

We look at each other, and I'm starting to realize how dangerous this could be for the team. If Shalimar was in trouble I'd go running for her, as I know she would for me. Probably without even thinking.

"I feared this would happen, I've watched you two together for a while now, but I didn't think either one of you would act on it. I thought you two realized what would happen if you did."

"So what do you want us to do? Just stop loving each other?" I hear my own voice, before I realize that I'm speaking.

Adam sighs. "This is complicated, I don't know if you even understand how complicated it really is."

"No, I don't realize how complicated this is, because for me it's not complicated at all." Shalimar speaks. "Adam, I've always loved Emma, and you know that. When she was trapped in the fire I got in there and saved here, despite my fear. When she's been taken by the GSA I've always gone out there to get her. Nothing has changed."

"That was when you were just friends, now you're… a couple. Now you're even more emotionally involved, which might make you act reckless in dangerous situations."

I wish I could say something, I wish I could deny the fact that I wouldn't act reckless in a situation like that, but I just can't seem to get it out. Because I don't think I'd act rationally in a situation like that, I don't think I'd be able to.

"So what do you want us to do?" I ask him, fearing the answer.

"I don't know." Adam sighs. "We need both of you in the team."

"We're not gonna break up." Shalimar says.

My empathic abilities set in again, and I can feel Adam's worry. I'm not trying to read him, but it's so strong that it just strikes me. There are too many questions, and not enough answers. And I suspect we won't get the answers any time soon, it's going to take a while.

"Adam, at least give us a chance. Give us the opportunity to be with each other, to find out just how much we love each other. You can't stop love, and you can't decide _who_ to love, it's something your heart decides. And when you're heart says that this is it, you can't just tell it that it's wrong, and to keep looking, because it doesn't work that way. " I hear myself speaking, and I don't know what I'm saying until I've already said it.

Adam sighs. "I need you two to promise me that you won't just run after each other if either one of you is in danger. You have to talk to me first, and we have to come up with a plan. And even if you don't like the plan, that's what we will be sticking to. Okay?"

"Okay." I answer, glancing over at the feral, and I hear her mutter the same.


	5. Chapter 5

AN; I know I haven't posted a new chapter for a while now, but that's because I've moved to my own place and I can't afford an internet connection right now. That however doesn't stop me from writing, which is why I'm going to upload 2 new chapters here today. I hope you will enjoy it, becasue I sure enjoy writing them :)  
Thanks for readin, and especially commenting :)

* * *

We're lying here, entangled together, and once again I find myself wishing that time could just stop right now, and we get to stay like this forever. I know from experience that all good things must come to an end, but for the moment I put that somewhere in the back of my brain, because right now I just want to enjoy this moment. In this moment Shalimar and I are the only two people existing in the world.

"What are you thinking about?" Shalimar asks

I trail her lips with my thumb before I answer by giving her a deep kiss.

"Oh, that." Shalimar grins.

Every time she looks my way, ever time she smiles at me, every time she touches me, I get an indescribable feeling, I feel safe and at home, like it's here I belong. When she kisses me it feels like a thousand butterflies are trying to find their way out of my stomach, all at once. My hands tingle, my toes tingle, and I feel like I'm going to break in to molecules. I love her, with every fiber of my being, she makes me happy, she makes me feel safe, and she makes me forget all the bad stuff in the world.

I've thought I've loved before, but really, before Shalimar came in to my life I had no clue what love is. And now I understand what they mean when they say that you can't describe love, because there's no word for it, I could read a whole dictionary, but not a single word in there could hold all the emotions I have for her. Love isn't just one emotion; it is loads of emotions, wrapped up in one word. But when I tell her I love her that word seems so small.

"Do you think Jesse knows?" Shalimar suddenly asks me.

"Uh, Brennan probably told him." I answer and I notice that the feral looks concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Well, you know Jesse and I were on the team together before you and Brennan joined. Jesse's like my brother, and he should've heard it from me, not from Brennan." Shalimar answers.

"Do you want to go and talk to him?" I already know that she wants to, and I understand why. She's so protective and caring for the people she loves, and that's one o the things I love about her.

She looks at me before she answers. "Yes, I do."

I smile at her and kiss her. "Go."

She smiles back at me as she gets out of bed, put clothes on and leave my room.

I stretch before I too get out of bed. I decide to go to the kitchen and have some coffee. Brennan's already there and he gives me a funny look when I enter.

"Is this pot fresh?" I ask him and he just nods as an answer.

He's acting weird, and I suspect that this is how it's going to be now, at least for some time. All three of them will need some time to get used to the thought, although I know that even with time they might have a hard time to accept me and Shalimar.

I pour myself a cup of coffee, and take a sip. Brennan's not looking at me, and I suspect that's because he really doesn't want to. I sigh as I take the cup in to my room. If this is how it's going to be from now on I'm going to go crazy. I want to be with Shalimar, more than anything, but I still need my friends. My brothers. Because that's what Brennan and Jesse are to me; they are my brothers. It hurts when Brennan's acting this way, it hurts that he can't accept us and be happy for us.

"Shalimar, I don't want to talk about it." I hear Jesse's voice outside my room. "Give me some time to wrap my head around this!"

Shalimar enters the room, she looks sad. I embrace her when she's closed the door, and she falls apart in my arms. She crying against my shoulder and all I can do is stand there and hold her. She sniffles in to my neck, and I can't remember a time when I've felt this helpless before. I know why she's hurting, but I can't do anything to change it.


	6. Chapter 6

A little piece of my heart falls away with each of her sniffles. I want to give her so much, I want to give her happiness, love, trust… The list is endless, and if I could and it would make her happy, I'd give her the world. I'd do anything to make her happy, I'd do anything to see her smile.

"Why is everything so hard?" She asks, and leaves me speechless. What could I possibly answer to that?

I shake my head and embrace her harder, I can't get a word out, I would like to tell her that things will get better with time, and that eventually they will accept us, but I can't. Because I'm not sure myself that things will get any easier. And I can't lie to her.

"Maybe it's too hard…" She whispers, and my inside turn to ice.

All of a sudden we're standing a few feet away from each other, and somehow I didn't even notice that we parted. I'm aware of every fiber in my being, to the tiniest little molecule. I want to embrace her again, I miss her warm body against mine, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to take her in my arms again.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" She asks me, but I still can't bring myself to answer. I know it's hurting her, and I know I should say something. Something that can make it all better, but no matter how hard I try I can't get the words out. I can't even bring myself to tell her that I love her. I've said it a million times before, but right now I can't even tell her that. It should be simple, the words should flow out o my mouth, like they've done all the other times. I feel smaller than I've ever felt before, all I can do is stare into those amazing brown eyes. But right now her eyes radiate hurt and confusion, which hurts me back. I'm hurting myself more than anyone ever has before.

She turns and leaves the room, and I want to run after her, but I can't move and I can't breathe. I can just stand there, and watch her leave, and it hurts. I'm breathing pain.

Then I get my ability to move back, and I just start walking. There's nothing else I can do. I leave the sanctuary and I walk, without a final destination, I just walk. I find myself in the woods, sitting with my back against the tree. I don't know how long I've been sitting there, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. If I don't have her, then what do I have?

I think it's possible to die from a broken heart. Because that's all I want to do now, I want to lie down and just die.

The sun's starting to set, the heaven above me isn't blue anymore, it's red, yellow and orange, and it looks as if it's on fire. The sunset's creating self written poetry, and I wonder how something can be so beautiful in a world full of hurt and pain.

Then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to find Shalimar standing there, she's smiling at me, but it's a sad smile. Just the sight of her makes my heart melt, and I hear myself talking.

"I'm sorry. More sorry than you can even imagine. You know I love you, I love you more than life itself. I was just so… shocked. I couldn't speak. "

Shalimar just put a finger on my mouth to shut me up, then she leans in and kisses me. And I can feel the blood pumping through my veins again, I feel alive.

I pull her down in to my lap, and we keep kissing. How long do we sit like that? For how long do we let our actions speak? I don't know, but when the kissing ends we just sit there and look into each other's eyes.

"We need to talk." I'm the one who finally speaks.

Shalimar just nods and I decide to say what I have to say first.

"I know things are complicated, and I can't promise you that everything will turn out the way we want them to. Because life doesn't work that way. And I can't promise you that I can give you the life you've always wanted. I also can't promise you that our path together will be without obstacles, because we will meet so many of them on our way." I take a deep breath, and my voice is shaking when I say my last sentence. "But I can promise you that I will try my hardest to make things turn out the way we want, I can promise that I will do my best to give you the life you want. And I can promise you that I will climb every obstacle on our way, no matter how high they are, without hesitating. Because I love you, and that's all that matters to me. If I don't have you, I might as well have nothing. I just hope that's enough for you. You know, I'm just a girl, who has found the love of her life. And now all I can do is hope that you will love me back."


	7. Chapter 7

_AN; It's been ages since I posted a chapter, I've had sort of a writers block. But anyway, here we go. It's kind of a short chapter, but I hope you enjoy it. )_

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We're lying in bed together in our underwear, I'm straddling her, and trailing her lips with my index finger before I lean in and kiss her. My hair falls softly around our faces. I feel her hands on my back, she unhooks my bra and I let it fall off. I sit back up, pulling her with me and unhook her bra, stroking it off. Then I kiss her jaw line down to her neck and collarbones, I know this drives her crazy, and sure enough, I feel her squirm and she lets out a little moan of pleasure. I lay her down again and kiss my way down her chest, brushing lightly over her naked breasts before I take her nipples in to my mouth, licking my way between them. She moans and run her fingers through my hair. I kiss her muscular stomach, down to the edge of her knickers, and I take the off her. I kiss her feet and legs, continuing up to her thighs, I take a deep breath, inhaling her scent, then softly blow warm air on her crotch before I kiss my way back up to her face.

We roll around so she's on top. She's kissing my body, her hands are moving slowly over my warm naked skin, her touch is so gentle, so full of emotions. She takes of my knickers, then gets back on top of me, and we kiss passionately. For a while we just lie like that, enjoying the sensation of our naked bodies pressed so tight together. Then we roll around again so I'm on top. I start grinding towards her, and I feel her hands entangled in my hair, her tongue in my mouth, her legs wrapped around my waist.

There is no need for words, we let our bodies do the talking, let our kisses and actions tell each other exactly how much we love each other. Our tongues live a life of their own, our bodies melt in to one, to the point where neither one of us can say where one ends nor the other begins. The moment is full of emotions; of love and lust, and neither of us wants it to ever end.

We're moaning together, moving together, feeling the effect our touches have on each other. It's soft and slow, we're both pouring emotions in to each other, while drinking in the love we receive. If anything could ever be perfect; this would be it. And when we climax together everything around us turn pink and white and blurry. We're the only two people existing in the world, and we don't mind.


End file.
